The Bite Size Podcast with Lorayne Michaels
A podcast for anyone wanting to become a better human! We'll discuss everything from faith, to life, to business, mental health and healing. Everyone has a story and a journey. I have created this space for you to come and learn. Hear from other amazing humans and how their mess became their message! We all go through trials and tests but only some surrender and let it be their TESTimony! Welcome to the BITE SIZE Podcast Friends!
The Bite Size Podcast with Lorayne Michaels
Beyond Stress: Identifying Emotions and Building Resilience with Jillian Riddell
Have you ever felt like you were carrying around an invisible "grief case," filled with emotional baggage that impacts your relationships? Join us as we invite Jillian Riddell, the insightful host of the Life Without Secrets podcast, to share her transformative journey from people-pleasing to self-discovery. Growing up as a secret in her father's life, Jillian's past shaped her need for external validation and led her to uncover the profound importance of self-awareness and emotional clarity. Together, we unpack the "grief case" to understand how acknowledging and addressing these emotional burdens is crucial for nurturing successful and meaningful relationships.
Explore the deep-seated wounds that can make or break our relationships, especially the pervasive feeling of not mattering. Jillian opens up about her struggles of living an emotionally separate life in her marriage, which led to seeking validation outside the relationship. Through her extensive therapy and education, she demonstrates how confronting and healing these wounds can lead to emotional clarity and improved well-being. We delve into the necessity of feeling seen and heard, and Jillian introduces a program designed to help couples navigate their emotional states and break generational cycles of trauma.
But healing isn't just about confronting pain—it's about building resilience and fostering positive emotions too. Jillian shares her innovative idea of creating an "emotional playlist" to catalog positive experiences that lift our spirits and renew our energy. We discuss the profound impact of managing emotions on our physiological states and overall well-being. Finally, Jillian offers ways to connect with her through social media, encouraging listeners to mention our podcast for a personal touch. Tune in for an enriching conversation on how to foster emotional resilience and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Find Jill on Instagram here
Listen to her podcast Life without Secrets
Where you can find me:
My website: https://theboldbeginnings.com/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/LorayneMichaels22
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/Lorayne_michaels/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@LorayneMichaels
Welcome to the Bite Size Podcast. I'm your host, Lorraine Michaels, former EMT and nursing assistant, now business owner and wild entrepreneur. I walked away from over 15 years in medicine to pursue my passion and my God-given talents. Now I get the honor of helping other women discover their passions and purpose. If you're feeling stuck in life, unsure where to go or what to do, welcome. If you're exactly where you want to be great, you're welcome here too. If you have faced any kind of hardship or setback, you have found a safe place here. In other words, no matter who you are or what you've been through or what you're going through, this is the space for you. On the Bite Size Podcast, we'll discuss life, business and faith. There's something for everyone, so grab a cup of coffee and something to take notes with, because there will definitely be things you won't want to forget.
Speaker 1:Welcome back to the Bite Size Podcast. I'm your host, Lorraine Michaels, and today I have the pleasure of talking to not only an amazing wife, an amazing mom, an amazing human. I get to call her my friend. Today we are talking to Ms Jillian Rydell. She is the host of the Life Without Secrets podcast. She is an amazing writer as well. She has a magazine that's out and if you are interested in that, make sure to check out our show notes and we will get you all the information for that. But I cannot wait to dive in today to all the things, because we literally can talk about anything. Jillian, thank you so much for being here.
Speaker 2:Oh, my goodness, I'm so excited to be here. Yeah, we were talking before and I'm like what do you want to talk about? We could talk about so many different things and we could probably talk for hours, so this is going to be such a treat.
Speaker 1:I know definitely we could probably, like I said, we could probably break this up into a few episodes.
Speaker 2:All right, lots of bites.
Speaker 1:Yes, but I want to dive in. I know we were kind of mentioning hot topics of relationships, but what has been the key ingredient, if you will, with successful relationships in your life?
Speaker 2:Yeah, that is such a great question. I think it's really important. I think it's going to look like a little bit different than for everybody, but one thing I think that we all really could dive into more is building more self-awareness in our life. I think that many times in the world that we live in today, we have a lot of things coming at us, right, whether it's emails, text messages, like we're always have something coming at us or something needs our time and our attention, and what happens is is we're we are living off of an external world, we're reacting to it, right, and so we're not taking the time to really get quiet and figure out, like, who we are, how we feel and what we need.
Speaker 2:And so my life, you know, um, it started with a lot of people pleasing Uh, it came from me being a secret. Um, in my childhood, um, my dad hid me as a secret from his family. I didn't know I was a secret until I was about 12. I knew about his family, but they just didn't know about me. And so, finding out that you're a secret at 12 years old and then having to be quiet about that secret, it was challenging, and I learned that love was earned and not given. And so what that does is, you know, we play off our external world when we feel that way a lot, and so we're relying on what is outside of us in order to fill the buckets inside of us, and it can be really draining. And you know, I did the achievements. You know I looked for love in all the wrong places in the beginning, right, like, how do I please this guy and not think about myself in that moment, um, in order for him to love me? Right, like, what does, what does he like? And I was really good at assessing people and figuring out, like how do I get them to like me, you know, uh, but in the meantime I didn't know who I was, how I felt or what I needed, and so I didn't do the work actually until probably about five years ago when, I call it, my grief case kind of fell apart.
Speaker 2:And I think all of us, you know, we carry wounds, big or small, from from our childhood, and I call it. They go in our little grief cases and we carry around these grief cases and if we don't know how to unpack that grief case throughout our life and figure out, like, what to do with those wounds when the drawer opens, or what shelf we're going to put them on and like what. What happens when? When that drawer opens, what are we going to do about it? And a lot of people they don't tell us or teach us how to unpack our grief cases and what happens is we end up carrying around these grief cases our whole life and eventually, if we're not careful, those seams will get weaker, you know, and that grief case will come apart.
Speaker 2:And what I see people do is sometimes they walk away from it right and they start piling on a new grief case and they never really still didn't unpack it right and they go to the next thing in life which then starts filling their grief case again they're not unpacking it which then starts filling their grief case again, they're not unpacking it. But in that moment we can also decide that you know what. I'm going to pick up these pieces and I'm going to learn where to put these pieces and what to do when those things hit me again. And I think that is probably the biggest thing. I think people can learn how to do in order to change their life and be successful in relationships. It could be in business, in friendships, in any area of your life. I think it's super important to figure out who you are, how you feel and what you need.
Speaker 1:So you said it was about five years ago that you started working on that. What happened? What was it that? Did all your grief cases explode? Or was it someone else's healing and unpacking and dealing with their grief case that caused you to be like huh?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I need to do that.
Speaker 2:Well, what's interesting is, like normally we don't realize it until it hits us in the face sometimes, you know. So I wish I could tell you that, like I saw somebody else unpacking their grief case and I was like I'm going to go do that too. I wish that's how I came across this and, for those listening, I hope this conversation can help you start unpacking your grief case without having to go through the pain that my relationship went through. My husband and I we had our own childhood wounds, and when we met and this often happens we have similar wounds, and so it almost, like, attracts us to each other and we're like, oh my goodness, I see you and you see me, because we share in a wound from our childhood, and so we were really close. We could talk about things and we could be like oh my goodness, I understand you Right and like, like your grief case looks like my grief case, you know, and but we didn't know how to unpack it, and so pretty soon, like, we just become our own wounds and those seams again get weaker, and so that's exactly what happened to us. So we get in.
Speaker 2:Our relationship feels like a fairy tale, right. I'm like, oh my goodness, somebody understands me and some people will call that trauma bonding. But it can be something smaller too. It doesn't have to be necessarily a trauma bond, it's just something that you relate to and then pretty soon we become the source of each other's problems because we don't know how to communicate. And you know it sounds very vague, but you know it's a deeper wound and I'll say this because the lens you live your life through matters. What does that mean? Well, from my core wound because I didn't know how to unpack it, I would assess the world from a lens of do.
Speaker 2:I matter. And so when we are looking for something, our brain is just a pattern recognition system and so I formed a pattern that I don't matter, based on my childhood wounds, of being a secret Um, and then finding out that, like you know, people didn't believe in me until I actually achieved, and then they would want to clap for me, you know, but they weren't there for me in like the dark moments, like finding out you're pregnant when you're 17 years old, and they're like, oh man, you had so much potential Right Like. So you know, those, those wounds we carry. We see the world from this lens of like do I matter? And my husband could have done a hundred things Right, and I would have seen the two reasons why I didn't matter to him.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And in the beginning of relationship, you just try to do the things that like, so he'll see you. Right, Because everybody wants to be seen and heard and loved. Right, it's just a, it's a core need, um, in for being a human being. And so I, I'd lived this life of like, okay, I don't matter. Well, what does that do? It puts you in a baseline emotion of resentment, right, Because every day you're like oh, he tells me I don't matter, oh, he shows me I don't matter. And so my brain just wants to prove that I'm right. And so this is all I'm seeing.
Speaker 1:Hey, it's Lorraine. As you know, it's my joy and passion to teach and encourage others through this podcast, but my heart is actually at live events. Currently, I'm available for booking, so if you're organizing a live event, I'd love to share my story. Your audience will walk away with tangible tools on how to overcome limiting beliefs, break down obstacles and discover their gifts, talents and abilities in order to live a life that God created them to live. It's not the size of the audience that's important. It's the connection and impact that I will bring. For more information, email me at lorraine at theboldbeginningscom.
Speaker 2:And so pretty soon I am at the point where we don't know how to unpack our grief cases. We're not communicating, we're basically living two separate lives but in one house and so, like, we're doing two circles you know his circle and my circle and we don't have a circle that goes together. And so we, we grow apart. And where you know separation is, negativity will follow, you know. And so, um, the negative would fall, the resentment would build, and pretty soon I was planning my own exit. I was like, how do I, how do I get out of here, how do I escape from this relationship? Because all I knew was that I wasn't happy. I didn't necessarily know exactly the reason why. I didn't know what to do about it. I just knew, like inside of me, like I felt unsafe and I needed to leave. And instead of just leaving, I was scared to leave, right, because also in my core wounds is like I was raised by a single mom and so giving my family a family like where a mom and dad lived in the same home was really important to me, and so I would, um, I wanted that to work, but I didn't know what to do with these wounds in my grief case and pretty soon I found myself doing things that were completely out of character for me, which was like looking for love at work, like because somebody there was showing me that I mattered, that was giving me attention and that led me to basically having this like emotional relationship with somebody else at my job and hiding it.
Speaker 2:And when all this built up and got worse, this all exploded and came out. And it was in that moment and I you know it's the tornado moment when the grief case comes undone you know that we either got to sat there and we get to walk away or we get to actually go through the grief. Yeah, and in that moment, you know it wasn't easy, um, but we did the work and, um, we went to multiple trauma therapists. We had our own separate trauma therapist. We had a marriage trauma therapist. We had a Christian family therapist. We were paying a mortgage payment of learned what didn't and?
Speaker 2:we also had. I took courses on it as well, Because I was like you know what this is a problem and I don't want to ever care. I don't want this to be a generational thing that passes down to our children, and it will it absolutely will.
Speaker 1:That is huge, huge, that is huge awareness right there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and because nobody ever asked me how I felt growing up. It was busy by the time I was 14, I'd get myself up for school. My mom, she cleaned for a living, bless her soul. She worked really hard, she didn't have a lot and she had to go to work. And so by the time I was 14, I was, you know, kind of on my own and, you know, never really feeling like I had that person to um, ask me how my day was or ask me how I felt about something. It was just not a conversation, because she didn't have that growing up, you know, and I was like I don't, I don't want that.
Speaker 2:And so we've done a lot of work and you know, I teach a program now for couples. It's an eight week course, um, and it's really just to dive into. You know, we start with like where are we right now? Because if we want to go somewhere, whether it's in our relationship or our business, we have to understand where we're at. And I'm not just saying like from um, just like a finance perspective, you know, I mean like on a deeper level. That will affect everything else, which is our emotions, which is why I love talking about it, um, because we have to be clear on, like how we feel in order to get to what we really need. And why is that important? Because if we don't know those answers, our battery is always going to feel empty. We're never going to be working at a hundred percent battery and be at our optimal performance, where we can succeed and feel good in our relationships and our work and in our lives and pass that down to our children.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Right, so the work is worth it. Um, so that I mean just to you know for my long, my long answer there, you know, I mean just to you know for my long, my long answer there.
Speaker 1:You know that is that is what happened. Yeah, Um, that I love that you explained that so beautifully. I also wanted to touch on how you were saying that, um, you were a secret and what that did to you as a child and adolescent growing up, and I was immediately thinking back to my husband, because he also was a secret and he didn't find out. He found out at an earlier age, I think he was like five but his dad had to keep them a secret and he also had to deal with and learning how to cope with that of I exist to you, my dad, but I don't exist to your family.
Speaker 1:And what that does to someone, and it's interesting to me that yours was more of a workspace and achievement and you wanted to achieve so you could feel accepted, and my husband's was. I just want to be seen. I'll do whatever I have to do in order to be seen and accepted, which led to addiction drugs alcohol like down the horrible path, um and both. And then, when we were talking about the shared wound although I wasn't like a secret I had an abandonment issue, and so did he, because he was abandoned you know, his mom worked a ton.
Speaker 1:She was a single mom so she had to provide, so she was always gone. Abandonment Dad had to be a secret abandonment. And so when he and I met we did see that in each other like that abandonment wound, and so we did gravitate to each other and we also had that coming undone moment. Definitely I'm not comparing story to story, but in the sense of like our shit unpacked. Like all of our suitcases exploded and we had to be like, okay, what are we doing here?
Speaker 1:We both had a failed marriage before. We don't want to do that again. We both know we want this stability in this family unit because he has a son you know his mom's out of the picture, so we're also dealing with abandonment wounds in a child that we're trying to raise in a healthy relationship.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So much of this like. I resonate so much with it and I see it too. And you are absolutely right, like we have to stop this generational curse and you have to decide. It stops with us. So we have to heal so that we could teach this going forward.
Speaker 2:A hundred percent.
Speaker 1:It's so, so, so important. How do you teach that to your children this emotional awareness.
Speaker 2:Well, I think it always starts with us right, like we can't teach something that we're not doing ourselves. And I think, number one, we have to get comfortable doing it. Being and you could probably relate to this, we can relate on so much, lauren, you know being in the ER, for instance. Right, like you know my life, I also am an ER nurse and you know, in the beginning of my career, like I used to feel like I was such a superhero about it because, like I'm like nothing really bothers me, like I can, you know, go from you know somebody screaming at me to, um, taking care of this sweet little lady, to having a something traumatic happened to a kid, and like I'm, I'm okay, and it was because I was never in touch with my emotion. I was taught to stuff and keep going. I was taught to stuff and keep going and you know, I think that many people that's what we do, right, we either get anxious and or we avoid. You know, a lot of times, and usually I love in my, in my program, I talk about attachment styles, because usually there's even if you came from the same type of wounds and that's where you found something relatable, kind of like your story and mine. There's usually one anxious partner, like anxious on one's avoidant, and they always find each other Right and so and then you get into the crazy cycle I call it. But anyway, so for us.
Speaker 2:You know, I used to think that I was like this superhero and I could just go through anything. I would actually like find it like a badge of honor that I hadn't cried in 10 years. And when we went to therapy, the therapist would actually try to give me homework to cry and he would be like, okay, watch this movie. And I was like, do you know what I do for a living? Like that's not going to work, you know, and it's funny because, like you know, I cry all the time now, like happy, sad, like there'll be tears and uh, but I I never knew that was. There was something wrong with that, you know, I didn't know that. That was like. I thought that was like a badge of honor to me.
Speaker 2:I'm like I'm just not emotional, like I stay in my safe zone emotionally. It's like I don't. I don't have this high emotion and I also don't have this low emotion. I just stay in the middle and I thought that's safe to me and we have to get, you know, comfortable with being in every emotion. And how do we do that? Well, I like walking through people or walking through an exercise with people, and we identify all the stressors in our lives, um, and we identify what our emotional responses and then we identify what they do now in response to that stress.
Speaker 2:So I think a lot of times people will say when they're feeling, um, a negative emotion, they say I'm just feeling really stressed, right, like that's like a thing we say in society, right, like I have a lot of stress, um, or you know, now a word is busy, right, like I'm just really busy, you know. And if you're somebody that's saying that, or you have this emotion like that, you always say or I'm tired, right, like you're a mom, I get it, but like, dig a little bit deeper into that, like what is causing that? You know? People say it's like their job, or they don't have enough time, or the traffic they have to sit in, or their kids or their relationship are stressing them out, right. And I think it's really helpful to understand that it's not actually the event, the situation or the person that is stressing us out. Those are the stressors, but they're not what drains our batteries, but they're not what drains our batteries. What drains our batteries are the negative emotions that are associated with the stressor.
Speaker 1:Okay, Go deeper on that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so the negative emotion that you feel when you don't have enough time or you don't feel like you have enough time, the negative emotion you feel when you know in your relationship, the negative emotion you feel from that job, those are the things. The emotion about those things, about those stressors, is what's stressing you out. Okay, so it's the negative or depleting emotion we experience in response to the event or situation or person, such as anger, frustration, impatience, you know, disappointment, that we call stress, that is draining our batteries. So if we didn't experience these type of emotions, we likely wouldn't say we feel stressed or that they're stressing me out. And so if you can just, like, take a step backwards and see the emotion that you're feeling, and not the stressor, not the event, not the person, but the emotion that you're feeling, yeah, like, then we can take more control of how tired we feel, how stressed we feel and how busy we are.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:So I like to walk people through an exercise, and we can do it right now if you want. Yeah, get a piece of paper out and I want you to have three columns. The first one is going to be the stressors um that we're going to list. In the second column, you're going to put the emotional response um in to the stressor, and then, in the third column, you're going to do what you do now in response to the stressor.
Speaker 2:So stressors are things like workload could be the money to pay bills, your finances. It could be job security, it could be your teenager, your child, it could be a lack of time, it could be the housework that you need to do today, your relationship, your to-do list that is always seeming so long. Your computer problems or technology so long, uh, your computer problems or technology, um, whatever it is that is, uh, a stressor in your life. Okay, that, you would say, is causing you to be stressed, like. I want you to just take um a moment to just write down whatever comes to your mind, right, like, um.
Speaker 2:Some examples for me would be like workload, you know um, finances, uh, time, housework, those are some of mine, okay, and then for the next column, under emotional response. This is where I want you to pause, and I want to want you to. Either you can go to my the magazine that Lorraine talked about, that is in the show notes, and the back of the magazine is like a heart shape with a bunch of different emotions in it, or you could just go on Google and type in 100 list of emotions, and I want you to have that in front of you every single time you do this exercise, because the biggest part about this is to be able to identify the emotion that you're experiencing, without saying that you feel stressed, busy or tired, because that's how you've been responding to things. So we need to be able to be more self-aware and identify the emotion, because if we don't know how we feel, we don't know what to do about it.
Speaker 1:So, good.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, if we don't know how we feel, we don't know what to do about it. So we need to be more specific, right? What is that stressor? What emotion is it causing you? Like, be very clear about it. So go to that hundred list of emotions if you need to read them and figure out, like, how do I really feel? And so, for me, it was like my workload makes me feel overwhelmed. And so, for me, it was like my workload makes me feel overwhelmed. You know, my finance gives me a little bit of anxiety, the lack of time makes me worried, my housework makes me feel overwhelmed, and you can keep doing this. And this is really good. I do this in my relationship course because, number one, it is good for each of you to, um, figure out what the stressors are in your life. And number two, uh, it gives the other person a look into what you actually, what's going on inside of you, okay, uh, and so there's a level of compassion that's built from that and I'm just going to show it. Does this on a video as well, like, okay, so, um, I'm going to hold up if you're on audio. Um, these are in July.
Speaker 2:My husband and I, we do. We do this exercise a lot, but we were doing clarity sessions, and we always start with this um, because we need to dump out in order to get creative and solve problems right. So this is always the first thing we do is we go through this exercise that we're talking about, um, and so, um, there's uh, we did our emotional response, um, before I show you guys, I want you to go to the third one, though, and I want you to write down what do you do now in response to the stressor, or the, or the way you feel. And so it could be pushed through. I complain, I just rehash it in my mind Um, I avoid, I withdraw, um, it's a slow burn for me, or I get a second job. You're like what do you do in response to the stressor, each stressor, stressor so go down your list and next to in each column, you're going to write what that stressor is causing you.
Speaker 2:So you know, for workload, my emotional response was overwhelmed. And what do I do now? I just push through. You know, like, that is something I do, right. So and this is, I want to remind people this is not a time to judge yourself. This is time for awareness. This is nonjudgmental. This is just like be honest with yourself, like the more truthful we are about things, the more results we're going to get in the end, cause we have to figure out where we are right now in order to get to where we want to go.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:You can't lie to your GPS and tell them you're at Disneyland when you're at home. You know, it knows you're not there. And same thing with your body it knows, Okay, Okay. So once you've done that, you know, I just, if you have a spouse or a partner, I want you to share them with each other. Um, I want you to share them with each other, and I think this is really an interesting thing, Um, because, uh, so I want to show you, so my husband's. I'm just showing everybody on online, If you guys are on here.
Speaker 2:This is my husband's last month. It has about one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight things on it. Okay, Um, and you know he's a guy, he's simple, right, and mine has about 30. It's like a front and back of a piece of paper. Okay, Like, this is all the things I have on my brain that work.
Speaker 2:And he's like why are you so tired all the time? I'm like and you know, yeah, let me show you, and it just it builds awareness. And then you know it also did for him is go. Oh, you know, yeah, let me show you. And it just it builds awareness. And then you know it also did for him is go oh you know what? Yeah, that that really stresses me out too, yeah. And so he added some things to his list afterwards because he's like oh yeah, I totally feel that too. But it was being able to identify, like compassion for each other, how each other was really feeling, because you're listing emotions that you probably didn't tell your husband how you felt, because all you did was say you're too tired or you're too busy, yeah, Right. And so, like now you can look at their piece of paper and go, wow, you've been feeling really overwhelmed lately.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know, and then there's a conversation there to be had of like getting interested in each other and yourself and like asking yourself the question, like, yeah, if this is how I really feel, have I ever felt this way before? You know? Like, why did I feel that way and is it related to something in my past? You know, and these things are so important to just build the self-awareness of where we are right now and why do we feel this way and where do we want to go and how do we get there. So, yeah, this is like a huge exercise.
Speaker 2:I encourage, um, all of the couples. Like we literally start here, because I'm like we got to figure out where we're at, and most people have have no clue, is what I find. Um, they've never done something like this, and so I think it's so important. Um, but, number two, we don't leave you there either. So we, we might start with the stressors, but we're gonna we're always gonna teach you how to get to the positives, you know, and so, um, the next thing that I teach, um, the next thing that I teach in the exercise is we go to the renewal. Okay, so I call this our emotional playlist. It's the playlist like that you turn on in your car when you're like I really need some energy and like, or that playlist, like when you first got your license and you jump in your car all by yourself and you turn up your music and roll down your windows and you're like life is so good, freedom, right. Like we are going to create that list for you, but not for just songs. Like music can totally be on your list, by the way, but these are the things that, like renew your energy in life. Like what are the situations, things that like renew your energy in life? Like what are the situations, interactions, events that just totally give you energy and make you feel like uplifted, renewed, okay, so for me, like working out, like let me just tell you, like getting to the workout, I do not feel this way. Okay, I'm just, I'm a normal human being, okay, um, I don't always feel motivated to work out, but let me tell you, afterwards, I feel proud, I feel productive, I feel more confident, and so this is number one on the list that I created.
Speaker 2:This was the first thing I thought of, and so I want you to make two columns for this, and the first one is the situation or event that causes you to have more renewed emotions. And then the second column is just the emotional response. So what is the emotion? And again, I'm going to have you go back to those lists of emotions, because it's so important to be very clear on how you feel, of emotions, because it's so important to be very clear on how you feel.
Speaker 2:So write down the situations in your life that have made you feel so good. Is it going for a hike in nature? Is it hanging with a fun group of women at an event? That totally uplifts me? Is it getting a cup of coffee with a friend and just being able to dive deep into your conversation and feel like someone saw you that day? You know, and what does that make you feel? Does it make you feel connected? Does it make you feel relaxed?
Speaker 2:You know, going for a walk in nature? Do you feel calm, do you feel peace? And is it going out on stage and you feel excited? You know, like, what are those things? And you know, I want you to know. Um, you know, fear is really excitement without breathing. Hmm, okay, so, like when you have that negative emotion, there is an ability and I teach this too, but there is an ability to rewire your nervous system and experience a different emotion, even though your heart might be racing right Like positive emotions don't have to be calm, peace and I think, like you know, we talk a lot about nervous system regulation but you don't have to be in a mode of like peace and calm in order to have renewed energy. You can be excited and confident and your heart can be racing and you can still be filling up your cup.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Okay, so it's just I like to remind people of that. Yeah, Um, so why is this list important? Well, this is important because it builds your resilience. It it increases the energy you have in your battery. And so a lot of times, like when I talk to groups and stuff, I ask them, like, what does resilience mean to you? And many people will say, oh, it means to like be strong and push through. And you know, build your resilience. You know, like get through hard times, and I'm like, well, what if I have another definition for you? So the HeartMath Institute, which does a lot of research on neurocardiology, how the brain and the heart are connected, and they define resilience as the capacity to prepare for, recover from and adapt in the face of stress, challenge or adversity. So we can really think of it as the amount of energy we have stored in our inner batteries, the energy, the amount of energy you have to use, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally. And the way, the biggest way we can do this is by using our emotional playlist.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because our primary or the biggest energy drainers are emotions. Yeah, but the good part is, the biggest energy fillers are also emotions.
Speaker 1:Yep, absolutely.
Speaker 2:So becoming aware of these two things literally impact every area of your life and how you show up to your business, to your relationships. And you know, a lot of people say, like you know, control your thoughts, control your life type of situation. I'm just going to tell you I disagree. Um, I know, like everybody says it and I'm like sorry, but like research shows, when you actually study the heart and the brain, the heart sends more messages to the brain than the brain sends to the heart. So you're based on the emotion that you feel from a situation and your body knows you will develop a heart rhythm and we hear a lot about heart rate variability. You'll develop a heart rhythm. That heart rhythm will be sent to your brain for your brain to interpret, which tells your body every other signal that it creates right.
Speaker 2:And so negative emotions have a chaotic rhythm and so negative emotions have a chaotic rhythm. They create chaotic rhythms in the heart. And there's monitors. I have one, it can hook you up and show you. It creates chaotic rhythms where when you're in a positive state, when your emotions are positive, the rhythm is much more rhythm, like wave-like, right Rhythmic, and so when that gets sent to your brain, your brain knows what to do with it because it's calm, it's smooth and it's able to send the right signals. When it's chaotic, it has to figure out like, oh man, how am I supposed to react to this?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Rather than we're responding right, right, right, and so, like there's, there's, and our, our um, our emotions will come and that will determine how we think about certain things. Right, yeah, yeah. So if you change your baseline emotion, which, if you go back to your um, your stressors and your emotional playlist, like, my question for you is like, if you were to be really honest and you were to dump on all these different things right now, do you think you're going to be in more of the negative or more of the positive? You know and just and take note of that, and then you know, use your emotional playlist to get you on the positive side of the grid. To get you on the positive side of the grid. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:I love this. This is so eye-opening because it's so simple. You know what I mean. So simple, so much of society today is just very reactionary. Very, and instead of like taking the time to pause and slow down and really think about what is going on within them. They're just reacting, just impulsive reacting. This is so simple. And if you can break it down and take the time to sit down and go through this with. I mean, you could do this with your kids.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But it's so eye-opening and it's so like it brings that awareness and understanding, and then you know what to do. It's so simple to change it. And I agree with you about the whole thought situation. Like you can't control your thoughts, your thoughts are going to show up, but you can control how you respond to them and what you do.
Speaker 2:Well, and I'll it's so empowering.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I'll tell you what your emotions will lead to your thought. So if you're in a negative emotion, your thoughts are going to be negative. If you are living in more of a positive emotion, you're going to have more positive thoughts, you know. And going back to what you said about children, this is absolutely so good to do with kids and you don't have to have them write it down, but like at the dinner table right, like what is is, was there anything that you know stressed you out or you could use an emotion? Did anything make you feel frustrated today or overwhelmed? Um, or you know, you look at those emotions that you felt and relate to your child, like, was there something that really you know made you feel anxiety today? Or, you know, put you like scared in your body? You know what was it and then what did you do when that happened?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know and then you can teach them like you know. Oh, when that happens to me, I like to just like pause and take some really big, deep breaths and then I feel better and I can take a pause and then respond better, like that's what I do or right opposite, is what was the best thing about your day. You know, and if you can, if they're old enough, you can have them write it down Like what, how did you feel? Like I felt excited or I felt confident when I made those goals, like letting them have a piece of paper and you can Google that too.
Speaker 2:Kids list of emotions right, yeah, and something they'll understand. And you know there's ones with like faces. So the kid, if they're really little, they can like look at the face and then find a word under that face that like matches how they feel, and this, just it, opens up the conversation and then you know what's kind of going on in their life and where they're at. You know, and how do we create that emotional playlist? And then it's like you know when they lost that the next soccer game, like it's like you can remind them like that happens and remember how you felt. You know when you made that goal, like take some deep breaths and put yourself in that position again.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know like put yourself in that moment.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know and like watch their whole body change.
Speaker 1:Yeah, their whole countenance will change, you're absolutely right yeah. I love that man you unpacked so much.
Speaker 2:I know I told you I'm like we could literally talk forever. I know we could just keep going Gosh dang.
Speaker 1:I know We'll have to save that for another one. Jillian, thank you so much for your emotional intelligence and sharing with us what you have learned and gained and how you're showing up in the world and how you're helping others. I'm just, I'm so grateful. I'm grateful for you, for our friendship, for how you're helping other people in relationships and I just I'm grateful, I'm very, very grateful for you.
Speaker 2:Well, I'm super grateful too, and you have to come back and visit me so we can go for another hike soon.
Speaker 1:I know I will. I don't know when I'll get to California, but it'll be soon.
Speaker 2:Right, I hope so. Well, thank you for having me on.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. We will definitely have you back on and we can go deeper into other things, because I absolutely love the heart mapping and all of the brain in the heart.
Speaker 2:Yep, so me too.
Speaker 1:Oh man. Okay, friends, if you have found this episode to have been helpful, if you want to learn more about Jillian, what she does, found this episode to have been helpful. If you want to learn more about Jillian, what she does, find her magazine or take her course, you can absolutely find that in the show notes. We'll attach it. Where's the best place to get in contact with you, jill?
Speaker 2:I'd probably say Instagram, just Life Without Secrets podcast is my handle. But don't just follow me, like, dm me because you know it's like, like I feel like oftentimes you know I'll get like a friend request, but then I have no idea where they came from, or, like you know I'm like, just send me a message and tell me you heard me on Lorraine's podcast or something you know, so we can connect absolutely.
Speaker 1:We love that. We love being able to connect and um put a face to the name and figure out like how did you find me? That always helps us.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1:All right, friends. Well, until next time. Remember you are divinely created for a divine purpose and there was no mistake in you.